(11) One Week

This is my catch up post.  I posted all the pictures from the past few days that I haven't had time to upload.  All the picture were taken on the respective days.  I finally found some time today to type up an explanation about what has been going on around here.  All these pictures on today's post were taken at 10:04 am - the exact time Cameron joined our lives exactly one week ago.

 This post is extremely long.  I feel the need to put into words everything we have gone through since our 18 week ultrasound in June.  I can remember the excitement like it was yesterday.  It was June 12 and we were going to find out the sex of our third child.  I made cupcakes in the morning with pink and blue centers for our gender reveal.  We were having immediate family over for dinner and cupcakes.  I wrote all the Old Wives' Tales on our chalkboard and almost all of them pointed to a girl.  Yet, deep down, I think I always knew it was a boy.  Arthur and I met at the doctor's office and as we got out of our cars I can still hear myself saying "I'm so excited."  We talked about possible boy names before the ultrasound, since we already had a girl name picked out.  We had no clue what was about to happen that would change us for the rest of the pregnancy. 

 The sonographer said "it looks like you are going to have another son."  Arthur laughed and I couldn't stop smiling.  He looked perfect.  The sonographer pointed out everything and didn't tell us about a single concern.  Then we met with the doctor.  As soon as she started talking I knew everything was not perfect.  She said "the baby has a choroid plexus cyst and this finding is loosely correlated with Down Syndrome."  She explained that there were no other markers found but that we would need to schedule a Level 2 ultrasound just to be sure.  What she didn't even bother telling us was that in actuality it is Trisomy 18, Edward's Syndrome, that the choroid plexus cyst is a marker.  I had to learn that for myself through google.  Everything changed after that.  We hadn't done any of the genetic testing some women get in early pregnancy because really it didn't matter what the results were, we would keep and love any baby God gives our family.

 Waiting for the second ultrasound was the longest 2 weeks of my life.  I literally got sick at the office right before the ultrasound started.  I was a wreck.  The same sonographer performed the exam and explained everything she was looking at.  The cyst was gone, the heart looked perfect, and everything checked out fine.  I guess that should have been enough to take the worry away, but it wasn't.  I had done too much research.  I knew that even in the worst case scenario the cyst resolves.  I knew that the only way to be 100% sure the baby didn't have a trisomy was to do an amniocentesis.  I also knew that wasn't an option with the possibility of miscarriage.  I knew I was going to carry this worry with me until the baby was born in November.
We endured 4 1/2 months of so many different feelings.  I really wanted to feel the excitement expectant mothers feel.  Instead, I felt anxious about the unknown.  I hated being so worried about having a child with Down Syndrome.  I'm a speech therapist, I of all people should have been comfortable with this.  I know children with Down Syndrome are more like typical children than not.  I know they resemble family members more than they resemble each other.  I know there are no limits that should be placed on children with Down Syndrome.  They can do all the same things typical children, teenagers, and adults do.  So why was I so worried?

  I had so much guilt for wishing for a typical child.  I was scared.  I didn't know what to expect or how much our lives would change if we had a special needs child.  I wanted so badly to be comfortable with a diagnosis of Down Syndrome.  I prayed and asked God to take this worry away from me.  I asked him to help me to be ok with whatever type of child He decided would complete our family.  I found these beautiful blogs, Noah's Dad and Enjoying the Small Things,to help me come to terms with the possibility. 
 I was so scared of what my reaction would be if he came out and had Trisomy 21.  I wanted to be so happy no matter what.  I wanted that baby to feel loved and welcome no matter what.  I wanted it to be among the 3 best days of our lives, no matter what.  Again with the guilt.  I couldn't promise any of that would happen.  Towards the end I felt more and more anxious about the unknown.  It was part of pretty much every thought I had.  I couldn't focus on much else.  And that brings us to delivery.

I've never had high blood pressure before in my life.  As they were preparing me for the C-section my blood pressure was extremely high.  The nurse kept asking me if I was worried about something.  I knew exactly why it was high.  And then comes the moment I saw his head being pulled out and the most perfect face I had ever seen.  I knew immediately he did not have Trisomy 21.  I was relieved, but again, felt guilty for being relieved. 

So where did all that anxiety get me?  High blood pressure and a doctor telling me at discharge I might have postpartum preeclampsia.  Not just any doctor though, the same doctor who told us that a choroid plexus cyst is linked to down syndrome.  Which by the way, it is not even proven that there is any link at all.  We went home Saturday with more worry, but this time it was my blood pressure.  I took my BP at home and it was pretty high, but I didn't trust the monitor.  My mom took me to Kroger and the reading was 185/124.  If anyone was checking out at the Deerfield Kroger Saturday night around 9 pm and saw a hysterical woman practically being carried out by her mom, yeah that was me.  Arthur called the doctor for me and asked her what we needed to do.  She basically ordered bed rest for the rest of the night and all day Sunday.  That I could handle.  So I took my baby upstairs and we slept and nursed all night and all day.  It was great.  Until Sunday evening...

I woke up from a nap and didn't feel right.  I had a pounding headache with nausea and was lightheaded.  I had Arthur come up to check my BP.  It was 171/127 after having somewhat decent readings all day.  We called the doctor who ordered us to go to triage.  I packed for a week not knowing what to expect.  They took blood and a urine sample and they came back normal.  I did not have preeclampsia.  I was released and told to call office in the morning.  Monday afternoon we went to the office for a BP check and it was 161/109.  The put me on high blood pressure medication.  I think it has all finally settled down and I am feeling great.  We are so happy and so blessed.  I can't stop thanking God for everything he has given us.